Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rambling Thoughts about my Mother

I love to write. I must have gotten that from my Mom. Ever since I was a little kid I would write all sorts of stories and make illustrations to go along with the story. I remember doing it for a long time. But I stopped once I got done with college and real life hit. I'm reminded of this as my younger sister found notebooks of where my Mother journaled. I had to smile at that. So instead of taking it in an online version she took hand and paper to write her thoughts down. That doesn't surprise me. I believe my Mom was very creative in her own way. She just didn't share that a lot with others.

It's hard to imagine that my Mother is gone. In my head I've been tracking how long it's been. And this Friday it will be 6 weeks. So unreal. It still feels like so much like a dream. But it is my reality. I will eventually come to terms with it.

2011 has not been kind. And cancer is ugly. If that is the only thing I learn about my experience with my Mom. Than that is a lesson I will always remember.

But I know that my Mom is in the arms of God. Even though my heart is broken and I wish she was here with me.

I'm going to try to write in here more often. As having a outlet is a good thing after all. And I find some comfort in writing words. In just letting my thoughts spill on out.

I am blown away by how much I miss my Mom. People were not kidding when they said the littlest things would be a trigger. They were right. I still long for my Mom to still be here with us. To make memories with us. To share life with us.

I feel like I need to apologize to my Mother for getting cancer. I hated that she suffered like she did. I think she hid a lot of her pain from us. Because that was the kind of person she was. It wasn't fair to her. But than again whoever said that life was fair? I wish I could have taken her place or been able to take some of that ordeal from her.


Tonight, as I was walking past my living room a picture flashed across my computer screen. It was a picture of my Mother two weeks before she died. Just seeing that picture brought me back to that day and what I was thinking.

We tried what we could to let her live longer here on earth. Oriential medicine when the Western doctors said there was no hope. Protein. Massages. Anythiing that we could think of. She was a beloved Mother and we selfishly wanted her here with us.

We prayed for a healing. In my case, I begged God numerous of times to heal my Mother. To not take her away from me. I didn't want to let her go. She was my mother and to young to die. I wanted her here with me. With my sisters and her grandchildren. We wanted a miraclious healing. Something we could show people. "See what God can do?"

But no, it wasn't met to be. Obviously, our Father wanted her home with him.I have to believe that. I need to believe that. My Mom did have healing. Just not here on earth like we wanted to. Like i wanted to.

Mom, love you so much. You are not far from my thoughts and heart. I will see you again in Heaven. That is a promise.

Monday, May 2, 2011


In my grief I have been looking for distractions. One has been the grocery store. I had to chuckle a little when the husband texted me to tell me I bought to much and he could no longer fit it in the freezer. I find myself still mentally counting in my head how long Mom has been gone. 2 weeks and 3 days. Mother's Day is going to be hard.

Meet Me On Monday

Questions: and Answers (because I'm lazy tee hee)

1.  What is your favorite kind of muffin?
I always seem to go for those that have chocolate in them. Like chocolate chip or a lemon flavor to it. But I'm not a big muffin eater.

2.  What was the first car you ever owned?
Volkswagon Jetta I don't remember the year though.

3.  Which TV Show were you sad to see end?

4.  What is your lucky number?
I don't have a lucky number but I tend to like even numbers verses odd. I seem to be particular to 4 or 6.

5.  Pretzels or Potato Chips?
Potato Chips. Bought pretzels a while ago and they are still sitting in my snack cabinet.

Menu Plan

My menu plan looks a lot like last week as we ended up eating out a lot. I know that is bad frugal wise but I just haven't been in the mood to cook. So here is my tenative plan.
Monday-We had taquitos
Tuesday-Round Table my boy's troop has a fundraiser there so we are going to go and support them! I'll probably hit the salad bar along with pizza.

The rest of the week I'm just going to put down what I have in mind as sometime's I just don't know how my day will go.

Hot dogs/links/sausage and rice
chicken/steak fajatias most likely with nachos

If you need more inspiration why don't you hop over to

What will you be feeding your family this week?