Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rambling Thoughts about my Mother

I love to write. I must have gotten that from my Mom. Ever since I was a little kid I would write all sorts of stories and make illustrations to go along with the story. I remember doing it for a long time. But I stopped once I got done with college and real life hit. I'm reminded of this as my younger sister found notebooks of where my Mother journaled. I had to smile at that. So instead of taking it in an online version she took hand and paper to write her thoughts down. That doesn't surprise me. I believe my Mom was very creative in her own way. She just didn't share that a lot with others.

It's hard to imagine that my Mother is gone. In my head I've been tracking how long it's been. And this Friday it will be 6 weeks. So unreal. It still feels like so much like a dream. But it is my reality. I will eventually come to terms with it.

2011 has not been kind. And cancer is ugly. If that is the only thing I learn about my experience with my Mom. Than that is a lesson I will always remember.

But I know that my Mom is in the arms of God. Even though my heart is broken and I wish she was here with me.

I'm going to try to write in here more often. As having a outlet is a good thing after all. And I find some comfort in writing words. In just letting my thoughts spill on out.

I am blown away by how much I miss my Mom. People were not kidding when they said the littlest things would be a trigger. They were right. I still long for my Mom to still be here with us. To make memories with us. To share life with us.

I feel like I need to apologize to my Mother for getting cancer. I hated that she suffered like she did. I think she hid a lot of her pain from us. Because that was the kind of person she was. It wasn't fair to her. But than again whoever said that life was fair? I wish I could have taken her place or been able to take some of that ordeal from her.

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