My father died yesterday.
He had some health issues but this was a sudden thing. I am not even sure how I'm suppose to feel so I thought I'd verbally throw up over here over the things that are mulling in my head. I was never close to him as my parents divorced when I was young. Well I did hear I was a Daddy's girl and would follow him when I was a toddler. And we lived on two different coasts. Me on the west and he on the east.
I feel the worst for my step sister and step mother as they are closest to him and if I calculate right my stepmom was involved with him for over 30 years. My own mother just maybe a fraction of that? 12 years or so. But he could not be happy with what he had and always reminised about the life he had with my mother and us. If it was so great why did he abandon us and make no effort to be a father to us? He was the guy who's wages had to be garnished for child support. Yeah, he was that guy.
When we went to go see him 2 years ago, I remember he made me cry and get angry. That always seemed to the pattern. So I guess my father and I were aquantices more than anything. And now? I don't know if I really want to go back there for a funeral. If there is one as they didn't have life insurance for him. I don't know if I want to take the time for the man who couldn't make time for me. He has never met my husband and my son. I've been married for going on 10 years now.
I guess I'm frustrated. But I don't understand why I feel this sense of loss when I never really had a relationship to begin with. Maybe this is to personal to share in a blog but this place is my refuge at times and I just needed to spit it out.
Maybe I'll write more later.