Saturday, January 15, 2011

Indifferent

My father died yesterday.

He had some health issues but this was a sudden thing. I am not even sure how I'm suppose to feel so I thought I'd verbally throw up over here over the things that are mulling in my head. I was never close to him as my parents divorced when I was young. Well I did hear I was a Daddy's girl and would follow him when I was a toddler. And we lived on two different coasts. Me on the west and he on the east.

 I feel the worst for my step sister and step mother as they are closest to him and if I calculate right my stepmom was involved with him for over 30 years. My own mother just maybe a fraction of that? 12 years or so. But he could not be happy with what he had and always reminised about the life he had with my mother and us. If it was so great why did he abandon us and make no effort to be a father to us? He was the guy who's wages had to be garnished for child support. Yeah, he was that guy.

When we went to go see him 2 years ago, I remember he made me cry and get angry. That always seemed to the pattern. So I guess my father and I were aquantices more than anything. And now? I don't know if I really want to go back there for a funeral. If there is one as they didn't have life insurance for him. I don't know if I want to take the time for the man who couldn't make time for me. He has never met my husband and my son. I've been married for going on 10 years now.

 I guess I'm frustrated. But I don't understand why I feel this sense of loss when I never really had a relationship to begin with. Maybe this is to personal to share in a blog but this place is my refuge at times and I just needed to spit it out.

Maybe I'll write more later.




April 9, 1947 to January 14, 2011

2 comments:

A Mom After God's Own Heart said...

Sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Carol said...

Sorry to hear of your Dad's sudden passing and how you are feeling about it all. I guess you have to just ask yourself if you will be ok with it if you don't go. If you truly feel you will be at peace not going....don't go out of guilt or responsibility. If you are close to your sister or stepmother go for them maybe. I can see why you would feel this way. If money isn't an issue I would probably go just because it is the respectful thing to do, but I haven't lived or walked a mile in your shoes you know. Indifference, confusion are all feelings we share especailly when a death is sudden you are a bit in shock and disbelief. I hope you come to terms with whatever decision you choose and find peace with it.

Godspeed ...

Carol-the gardener